Ghosts. Baggage. Demons. Mistakes. Regrets. There seems to be so many words for what has happened to us in the past that still affects us now. We give it names such as these to distance ourselves from it, when, in reality, every single thing that has ever happened to us is a part of who we are. You can run from it or ignore, but you can't take it back. It will always be there, lurking in the depths of your mind. It's up to us to choose whether to keep it buried or accept and embrace it as a factor in our identity.

I'm not saying that these types of these things have changed us for the better, but I do believe that there was something to be learned from every terrible situation. If you touch the pan on the stove and it's hot, I doubt that you'll touch it again. However, there are the people that never learn from their own mistakes. Even rats can catch on to this kind of reasoning faster than I've seen some humans do it. I'll admit, I've grabbed the pan a few too many times in my day. I won't deny that I've made some mistakes, but I can say that I've learned from them.

As a female I can say, our brain is a tricky, conniving bastard. There are times when it overlooks unacceptable and unpardonable things for all the wrong reasons. 'Love' can really screw you up. I put it in quotations because what i'm referring to is not love. It's the insipid grasping at the concept that we are hard-wired to make as females with every potential male that comes our way. There's this instinct in us that tells us even though he doesn't call us his girlfriend or hold your hand in front of his friends, that, deep down, SOMEWHERE he really does love you and he just doesn't know it yet. I mean, how couldn't he love me? I'm awesome, the perfect 'girlfriend'... but no one can know. Sure, he does little things for you every once in a while and calls you 'babe,' but does that really make up for the emotional distance that he's put between you? Can that justify the leash he's leading you on? He's only keeping you away so he can slip out the back door to snatch up the next unknowing victim when she comes along. I know you think he's different. He's not. He'd be proud to call you his girlfriend and take you to dinner and listen to you instead of being buried in the Xbox. I promise.

However, there is an up-side to all of this. Along the way through all of these bad romances, we learn what we need in a good one. Not all aspects of the poor relationships are bad and we learn from one another what to look for in the next one. Although you won't want to, you will compare them as new ones come along. You'll find new and exciting things that you never even knew you wanted. New relationships bring new perspectives, for both of you.

I can't guarantee perfection, but I'll strive for it. I can't erase the mistakes in my past or change the outcome of them. I can't avoid my occasional self doubt or cynicism. BUT, I will promise I won't look back, only forward. I won't judge for things others have done. I'll admit when I'm wrong and even when I'm crazy. If I should ever do something hurtful, I promise to apologize with all of my heart. I promise to love the best way I know how and to try to learn how to love even better with every day that passes.

j'ai aimé. j'ai souffert. et asteur, je recommence de nouveau.

It feels like the end of an era. Almost like it's not even really happening. It's like i'm trapped in one of those emo love songs. I keep waiting for something to change, to go back to the way it was. Or, at least, my heart is waiting despite what my brain tells it. It will get there. It just needs some time.

This is the beginning of something new. I feel... different. Empowered. Like I could take on anything. I'm ready for whatever is next. The next chapter awaits and I'm anxious to write it. I've got the pen in hand.

It's getting easier and easier to put one foot in front of the other. All I've wanted to do is run back the other way. Finally, the strength is arriving. I've an end in mind and whether it be the true end or just a naive girl's fantasy, it's better than the alternative.

i miss him. and i don't. i like me more than ever. and i'm excited about the new me that i'm becoming. the new girl. i'm dying to meet her. i've got a million paths ahead of me. i could go anywhere. i want to go everywhere. and there's nothing to stop me.

Bring it on, world. I'm a free bitch, baby.

(To have a hero, one must have a villain)

Good and evil. Alive and dead. Salt and pepper. Offense and defense. Creation and destruction. Teacher and pupil.

To be able to have one of these things, you must have its counterpart. Without that, it, reasonably, would not exist. In able for us to really have something great, we must experience something unwanted and unpleasant. As I've made my journey through life, I've come across many things that I didn't know that I wanted until I found out what I didn't want. Trial and Error.

Is that what all this is? I'm supposed to learn what I don't want in order to learn what I do? In this case, the list of things that I could possibly want is getting drastically shorter by the second. Maybe not, but some days it sure feels like some people were just sent to piss me off.

Distractions, please.


I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter-bitter, " he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart.

-Stephen Crane 

Ever since I was a little girl, I've been told of a mysterious prince, supposedly equestrian equipped, who will someday come and sweep me off of my feet. All these tales of love, romance, soul mates, and destiny have been jammed into my skull non stop since before I could even understand such concepts, which I'm still not sure if I do. They tell me that there is someone for everyone. This idea baffles me most of all. Everyone? Seriously? How are we supposed to know anyway? It's not like this whole search comes with a instruction manual. What the hell am I supposed to be looking for? It's not like I'm going to find "the one" with a gigantic flashing neon sign over his head signaling that it's him. Is he supposed to make me laugh? Should he have nice hair? Does he make a lot of money? I fully believe that this "Perfect Guy Theory," as we shall call it, is absolutely unattainable.

But if or when we do, in fact, find someone that could possibly make all of our dreams come true, how do we know that it's right? How can we work up the courage to take that giant leap of faith to give up anything else that comes our way and give our heart to this person knowing that it might get broken? I've never been a risky person. Is it possible to avoid getting hurt without holding a part of ourselves back? Love leaves us out in the open and vulnerable, like a turtle out of its shell on a busy highway. We're just waiting for the next monster to come along and crush us to bits. How can I be sure that all the pieces will be left behind for me to put back together? Love, or anything close to it, changes you. It makes you see the world from another perspective. The other person leaves a little bit of themselves with you to be added in to the mix. Like a bullet stuck in a brain, unable to be removed, we carry with us everyone we've ever loved. Life can change in a split second and so can we. Maybe there's one change that we're waiting for. The once-in-a-lifetime change that will make us never want to be without the person who changed us again.